So, Yeah…

Boy, have things been… well, I would say interesting around here, but they haven’t been really. At least not externally.

As I have been whined ad nauseam, my current job rotation is killing me. I spend a lot of time taking anti-anxiety medications, deep breathing, and/or crying anyway. The powers that be have no interest in alleviating the agony, so I am hanging on by my fingernails. I will retire in 15 years, 7 months, and 27 days, and God willing and the creek don’t rise, I will be rotated out of member services long before that. I’ve been there nine months and I may be looking at eighteen more.

This coming week is slated so suck so badly they won’t need to vacuum the floors at night. So I figured it was as good a time as any to go on about why I never write.

My doctor has added two additional medications to help me deal, and actually referred me to a therapist, which is unusual for Kaiser (generally they like to throw you into their classes after work; where, tired and hungry, you can listen to other people’s problems and be forced to share your own with strangers). The therapist actually thinks I should apply for ADA accommodation, but I am still leery, because of the danger of not being accommodated and losing my job. And I liked my job before this rotation! Also, mortgage and future retirement and all that.

Basically, here’s the current rundown. If anyone has any advice (other than “suck it up,” since we know that isn’t going to work), I’m all ears.

  • Having to deal with strangers all day every day and enduring endless panic attacks because of that.
  • My private time at least partially ruined by dread.
  • Feeling overwhelmed by things I need/want to do to the house, and the fact that I don’t have anyone to help (not financially; just BE there and help me schlep things or do things that taller folks can do or even just keep me company) makes it worse.
  • Wanting to cook big meals for people but not having anyone to cook for. Occasionally I might have one person over but as a single person, coupled people seem reluctant to socialize with me. That is, I may be friends with one member of the couple, but the couple together does not invite or include me in anything. So I’d feel weird inviting the couples I know over.
  • Middle age catching up with large body and making heretofore simple movements not so simple anymore.
  • Being gone 12 hours a day, so any kind of exercise is limited. Water exercise would be best, but there is no 8 PM water aerobics class around here that I can find.
  • Being a bit overwhelmed by things like wanting to eat whole, unprocessed foods but being so exhausted by work that I don’t want to drive all over the Bay Area to find the best organic stuff and then actually cook it. (See item #3 above.)
  • Being lonely and yet set in my living-alone ways.
  • The probably universal terror/despair of being in my late 40s with pretty much no dream of mine realized.

Total FWP. I have a job and a home and I travel. My health is relatively good despite clinical depression, anxiety, and arthritis. I do have family and a few friends. I am not starving; I don’t live in a shantytown; I am unlikely to contract Ebola or anything else devastating like that; I didn’t even feel today’s earthquake.

But when I think about writing, my fingers and my heart feel like lead, and so I haven’t been. Maybe rambling about this will help clear out some of that.