Zoe keeps zig-zagging between eating like a pig and keeping Alexander-the-new-crazy-cat in check and…things like tonight, where she didn’t meet me at the door, ate only a little, and is sort of standoffish.
It’s not that I want her to die, but I’m getting a little calmer and more resigned to it, and it will be a little bit of a relief. It’s been seven weeks today since her lymphoma diagnosis and it’s been seven weeks where I’ve had tension in my diaphragm every moment I’m awake.
Meanwhile, in non-cat-crisis news, I’m going to see how the Curly Girl method of hair care works for me. I’ve definitely got to do something with my wild curls. So there’s that. It’s funny how something so not-that-interesting (how you wash and style your hair) can actually capture my imagination. It did spur me to actually buy some microfiber turbans. which will be good… I shower at night and end up walking around the house with a headful of sopping wet curls, because even when I think I’ve dried it off, it starts dripping again.
I don’t know if I can justify a satin pillowcase, though to be honest I remember my mom having one when I was little and it is definitely nice to sleep on, both for the decadent feeling and for your hair.
And one of the absolutely coolest things about being single is that no one needs to know if I do sleep on a satin pillowcase (unless I, you know, broadcast it on the internet).
I was wondering today about when I changed from thinking, “if I’m alone and have no one to share it with, life has no meaning,” to “oh my GOD am I glad I’m single!” And I do wonder if I will wake up at 50 or 55 and think otherwise, but meanwhile…
…I’m planning my next trip to Europe once the DAMNED ESTATE SETTLES!
I’m thinking flying into Amsterdam, train to Brussels, overnight train across Germany to Prague, back to Germany and switch trains to go to Paris for a few days and then flying home.
It gives me something happy to think about when I’m worrying about Zoe. Speaking of, better go see what she’s doing.
ETA next day: I am putting her to sleep today at three. I’m not giving it its own entry because it’s breaking my heart and I don’t want to see that post title. Can’t stop crying, even though I know it’s the right thing to do. I will miss having a kitty slung over my shoulder like a baby, and having one who chatters to me about everything. I love black kitties.
Alexander gets fixed tomorrow and I hope that goes smoothly. I can’t take any more animal death right now.